McSweeney’s

(THIS IS SATIRE)

Trust me, once you make it to the end of this thing, it'll all make total sense, and you'll feel as though everything has suddenly clicked into place. You'll experience a sense of satisfaction few human beings have ever known. Seriously, trust me! It’s gonna be great. All you have to do is read the rest of these 18,564 words.
'HUMANS ARE BAD. THE END'

“Technology,” she says. “Internet,” he replies. She opens an app and the futuristic phone’s screen illuminates her face from below. “Isn’t it funny?” she asks. “That we are physically so close and yet our handheld devices disconnect us emotionally?”
NEV WOULD BE PROUD

You probably thought your old man was bit of a wad. A bit of a stick in the mud. More crank than prank. Doesn’t know diddly squat about hot trends on the ‘net. But you were dead wrong and I friggin catfished you, son.
PLEASE SEND ADDITIONAL OPTIONS

Appreciate the work on the sea and ground, but right now there’s way too much sea. The ground is getting lost in it. In general, sea does not resonate well with our users. Was talking with the team and the idea of having no sea at all came up. Thoughts?
A FLOW CHART FOR APPLE EMPLOYEES

When someone finds out you work in an Apple Store, you brace yourself for two questions. First, they ask if you get an employee discount. Since you do get a limited number of purchase discounts to share, you have a decision to make. It’s the second question that might get you in over your head.
MARGINAL EQUATIONS

Phil’s report on Dwight Eisenhower must be five pages long. He’s currently at four and a half pages and couldn’t write another word even if you made him. Using the distributive property, what are the margin dimensions (in inches) and font size Phil should use to reach his required length without writing anymore?
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